arggggh.
[09:04 p.m.][Tuesday, September 30, 2003]
wonder whether should skip again tmr.
bad bad migraine makes me wanna smash my head against anything hard.
I need the eyebrow thing from JeanYip on TV just now haha. plus the weightloss too ha.
sigh all this self delusion.
yep need new birkenstocks. feet tortured endlessly.
if my birthday is coming, it means chem prac is also looming. how exciting. A levels? enough to jolt me awake.
+ + +
gee.
[01:39 p.m.][Tuesday, September 30, 2003]
mommy knows when I've reached my limits. after she saw me crying she stopped being critical and mean and let me skip school for the first time.
at least she's not that bad afterall.
nevertheless the first person tt came to my mind yesterday, oddly gave me a sense of comfort.
it's all too weird, how everyone's gng thru the same thing. i'm stressed yes, don't tell me to chill.
different ppl have different ways of handling stuff. so back off, all that self-righteousness.
I do get mood swings & PMS. don't see how I get handled less fragile than other girls.
I wonder whether if you even realise my disappearance, just like I promised months ago.
+ + +
loathe
[07:40 p.m.][Monday, September 29, 2003]
just angry.
so angry with myself.
blasted photos.
I hate myself so much I hateHATEHATE who I am what I do and everything about myself. I hate the way I react, the feelings I feel, the pain I inflict, the person I AM.
I can't even think of any one good redemption point.
things don't always go the way we want it to I guess.
+ + +
fridaynightFEVER
[09:05 p.m.][Friday, September 26, 2003]
I like my dentist. He's so nice. But now I have to get my wisdom teeth extracted after my exams. Major man. argggg pain.
night cycling is cancelled sadly. lack of ppl. all injured or still out. and I'm having a raging fever of 38.4degC. ohmygosh I'm sweating in a 18deg room and dehydrating badly better get more sleep tonight.
everyone skipped school today. initially got a little pissed. but forget it. left my triplet yingni and I alone in the morning to do crap. Plus Jono and Kev. Boring boring boring day. lousy physics. at least I got that grade quite happy about it already. from a F!
daddy says I'm a heat radiator cos I'm sitting next to him. shall go take medicine and get my mom to look after me haha I'm a bloody spoilt brat. But it isn't everyday I get a fever!
[edit]stupid idiot stop shouting at me you shit you shut down all my stuff without asking me and then both of them sides with you as usual are you happy now? why don't I just drop dead and die right? then everybody will be so happy. fine. I'll do so now.
+ + +
.
[08:16 p.m.][Thursday, September 25, 2003]
I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me
failed math. chem too. econs prob also. phys? please pass. and what, this is prelims. I cried all my tears dry. just don't say ath. I need to pick myself up alone.
one of the really bad days today. chem prac sucked. bus missed stop. walked home in rain. face and back swollen and bleeding with some strange affliction. like some STD sufferer. bloody hell. crying in front of pple. just let me freaking whine alright?
what the hell. so tired.
+ + +
best friends!
[09:32 p.m.][Wednesday, September 24, 2003]
Not much stuff are sweeter than friendship, cos best friends are to keep. Nothing much, although my new dress comes close, and of course that taboo word, love.
ah, hope my 2 darlings had fun today ;) sure look good together! baby when's my turn I want a hot date too! But not ____!! lol.
I had a realllly good time bumming with my best friend today. But think of tmr, and it's a total turn off. I probably can't sleep well tonight thinking about my results. Won't be surprised if I fail something.
Nevertheless, thanks to my darlings for making my life so much better.
And to you both, for respectively helping to open my eyes and giving me a huge lesson that I'll never forget, and you for showing me the true meaning of hope and happiness.
+ + +
[][]
+ + +
liberationn.
[11:14 a.m.][Wednesday, September 24, 2003]
yoweeee. Prelims are OVER. Though I don't feel exactly liberated, sigh. Just means the real thing is looming even more ominously. And tmr's the day some papers come back, and boy that does gotta suck.
After Chem ppr yesterday Jon & Kev came home with me and I bathed and changed into my niceee clothes! (effort effort but it pays) Then Kev left to go home to bathe, so Jon and I slacked for a while before all 3 of us met at Eunos to eat bak kut teh. Then Kev and I headed to town to get movie tickets while Jon went home to change. We met the class girls for a while to play bridge (hoho!) and walked around taka toy fair lol.
Finallllly at 4 Kev, Jon, Fion and I caught Pirates of the Carribean! Johnny DEPP!! He's my fave actor I watched Edward Scissorhands,Sleepy Hollow, Ninth Gate and all cos of him. man he's blooody goood. The way he infused Captain Jack Sparrow with such character was unforgettable. "Savvy?" heeee. I'm irritating pple with my ability to remember Captain Sparrow's lines, and then repeating verbatim with the same accent and hand actions. His punchlines were perfect!! I laughed so hard and was SOOO engrossed in the show I'm going to get the DVD!!!
Lol. When Kev and I went to get movie tickets I was approached by this woman at the tunnel asking me whether I wanted to go on TV commercials. HUH? I kept asking HUH? cos I couldn't hear the woman properly and it turned out I was underage so I couldn't be their model lol. How funny is that! I only got asked to model my hair for hairsalons before, not model my WHOLE self for TV commercials! haha. Damn funny la, she was saying "You know, like the sentosa ad?" And I was thinking "Yeah, sure do you really wanna see me in a bikini? I can be the lump of sand hahaha."
After the movie we ate at Scotts and Nick joined us. We reached my house then Dahui, followed by Zhaobin then Mark came. Man the Baileys was goood. I drank around eh, 8 cups? Goodness. And a vodka mudshake. I'm nuts. And I wasn't even high, just acting crazy. Fiona tt poor girl puked in my toilet, all the guys had to carry her from there to my bed to lie down cos she couldn't even stand up. And Jon and I were so SOBER! Fion drank around 5 glasses. We played bridge and watched Jason on tv lol. Was so funny Jon and Nick kept screaming!
They all went home at 11+, and I think I succumbed to my bed around twelvish after I cleaned up my room.
Wonder what I should do today. After all it's the last day free for me. I skipped chem prac cos it's in 2 hours time, I'm still sitting pretty in my pj and I'm having a tummy ache. gaaah screw it.
Off to loook for some fun stufff!
+ + +
liberationn.
[11:14 a.m.][Wednesday, September 24, 2003]
yoweeee. Prelims are OVER. Though I don't feel exactly liberated, sigh. Just means the real thing is looming even more ominously. And tmr's the day some papers come back, and boy that does gotta suck.
After Chem ppr yesterday Jon & Kev came home with me and I bathed and changed into my niceee clothes! (effort effort but it pays) Then Kev left to go home to bathe, so Jon and I slacked for a while before all 3 of us met at Eunos to eat bak kut teh. Then Kev and I headed to town to get movie tickets while Jon went home to change. We met the class girls for a while to play bridge (hoho!) and walked around taka toy fair lol.
Finallllly at 4 Kev, Jon, Fion and I caught Pirates of the Carribean! Johnny DEPP!! He's my fave actor I watched Edward Scissorhands,Sleepy Hollow, Ninth Gate and all cos of him. man he's blooody goood. The way he infused Captain Jack Sparrow with such character was unforgettable. "Savvy?" heeee. I'm irritating pple with my ability to remember Captain Sparrow's lines, and then repeating verbatim with the same accent and hand actions. His punchlines were perfect!! I laughed so hard and was SOOO engrossed in the show I'm going to get the DVD!!!
Lol. When Kev and I went to get movie tickets I was approached by this woman at the tunnel asking me whether I wanted to go on TV commercials. HUH? I kept asking HUH? cos I couldn't hear the woman properly and it turned out I was underage so I couldn't be their model lol. How funny is that! I only got asked to model my hair for hairsalons before, not model my WHOLE self for TV commercials! haha. Damn funny la, she was saying "You know, like the sentosa ad?" And I was thinking "Yeah, sure do you really wanna see me in a bikini? I can be the lump of sand hahaha."
After the movie we ate at Scotts and Nick joined us. We reached my house then Dahui, followed by Zhaobin then Mark came. Man the Baileys was goood. I drank around eh, 8 cups? Goodness. And a vodka mudshake. I'm nuts. And I wasn't even high, just acting crazy. Fiona tt poor girl puked in my toilet, all the guys had to carry her from there to my bed to lie down cos she couldn't even stand up. And Jon and I were so SOBER! Fion drank around 5 glasses. We played bridge and watched Jason on tv lol. Was so funny Jon and Nick kept screaming!
They all went home at 11+, and I think I succumbed to my bed around twelvish after I cleaned up my room.
Wonder what I should do today. After all it's the last day free for me. I skipped chem prac cos it's in 2 hours time, I'm still sitting pretty in my pj and I'm having a tummy ache. gaaah screw it.
Off to loook for some fun stufff!
+ + +
sigggh.
[07:57 p.m.][Monday, September 22, 2003]
Baby you know, the things that you do..I'm falling for you- my fav advert!
last paper tmr, phys screwed up as usual. sigh. Actually I hate it when people congregate together to find out whether their answers match after the exam. Like it's of any use knowing how many mistakes you made/correct answers you had and others didn't. It's plain irritating and irks me endlessly cos I know I'll have tonnes of those mistakes and these people senselessly make this urrrg even more acute. gaaah chem makes my head spin even more than 1 litre of 44% alcohol. everyone's playing now at Nick's hse whilst Jon, Kev and I are mugging chem. gaaaaah!!!
dreaming a lot lately, and it's always revolving around the same few people. Or two. Sadly it will never happen. Oh well. wonder whether this damn thinking is mutual. Heart sinks everytime I realise what's going on.
Becoming a lil' antisocial and I'm not exactly exhilarated about tmr's outing. In this shape, I don't feel like going anywhere unless I have a tent to cover this...much flab. Seriously depressed over my weekend revelation that I can't fit into half of my wardrobe. wth?
thanks anyway darlings, must must help me on this mission impossible. 6kg in a month. hmmmm. URG.
I love you I hate you I can't live without you I just can't take anymore...-always[saliva]
+ + +
LOMOCAM!!!!
[08:44 p.m.][Friday, September 19, 2003]
mom shouted at me for 42 mins and 26 seconds exactly.
thanks, I'm almost convinced you do not care much about my welfare. whatever, I don't need your yelling adding to this torpor.
at least I got my beauuttiful lomo. =) best thing of the week. Took a few pics but it's still stuck at S! damnit I think I didn't load the film properly. argg I took some real nice shots..crap shall check it again. oh no I think I spoilt the film! =( gaaargh!
went to foodfair with jan,kenneth and YQ and it was crazy. Lol. Only Shit and Kenneth can eat so much! I was slumped at our "home base" to "guard" it. And this MUTATED CHILLI CRAB ONLY HAD HALF A PINCER! argg. everyone got like, half a body, or a pincer, and I got HALF A PINCER!! arrrg. But the rest of the food was good, esp hot&sour shark's fin! -licks bowl- got a temperature now, sigh.
Left phys and chem pprs 1&2. waay to go. shall work hard for it. I am besotted with my dreams. gaaah. why do I always laugh so much outside, but when I come back home I start feeling like-
sigh. forget it. tired. shallll go think of nicer things to take with maaaaaah lomo baby.
+ + +
donnne!
[06:53 p.m.][Thursday, September 18, 2003]
I am enthralled.
Air and Angels
John Donne
Twice or thrice had I loved thee,
Before I knew thy face or name;
So in a voice, so in a shapeless flame,
Angels affect us oft, and worshipped be;
Still when, to where thou wert, I came,
Some lovely glorious nothing I did see,
But since my soul, whose child love is,
Takes limbs of flesh, and else could nothing do,
More subtle than the parent is
Love must not be, but take a body too,
And therefore what thou wert, and who
I bid love ask, and now
That it assume thy body, I allow,
And fix itself in thy lip, eye, and brow.
Whilst thus to ballast love, I thought,
And so more steadily to have gone,
With wares which would sink admiration,
I saw, I had love's pinnace overfraught,
Every thy hair for love to work upon
Is much too much, some fitter must be sought;
For, nor in nothing, nor in things
Extreme, and scatt'ring bright, can love inhere;
Then as an angel, face and wings
Of air, not pure as it, yet pure doth wear,
So thy love may be my love's sphere;
Just such disparity
As is 'twixt air and angels' purity,
'Twixt women's love, and men's will ever be.
Ahhhhhhhh. Donne! Emily Dickinson is my fav still. =)
5 papers down, 3 more to go. Then, liberation. for a pitiful short while. I am not ashamed to say I have screwed up almost every paper. Althou' phys was do-able today, for the first time I did more than 75% of a paper. -pats myself on the back-
Don't feel like blogging here anymore. Restored my old blog. So. Will be here still, just less frequently and less entries fraught with despair.
Speaking of which, something of note: I have reignited my lust for the lomography action sampler. I AM going to get it soon, with my own savings, plus my mountain bike. Hey I want everything, so what? What if the world collapses tmr? Better get whatever I want first right? haa. cynical materialistic slut.
still ultimately revolted about myself. bigggg sigh.
+ + +
senorita!
[10:01 p.m.][Sunday, September 14, 2003]
Fangy if you see this, take good care over at UK alrighty? Love you lotsssss. Will miss you tremendously. Always remember the fun we had, and thank you for makin my J1 life so enjoyable and memorable. If not for you, band would have been so boring, esp all the JTS/STJ/after band stuff that we did/concerts etc. Sigh.
All the best ya babe? Must keep in contact yea.
Makes me think of how this is going to be the end of my formal uniformed sch life. Like, no more assemblies, school unis, "guidelines", sitting in the hall watchin celebs etc. oooh. it's a brave new world out there for me to explore soon.
tmr's math one and econ three (3 ESSAYS!), and I'm here chatting. brave fool. sigh. daddy says like 10 minutes ago he wants to send me to UK which means that my PRELIMS results now matter. OH GOSH. I'm damnified.
like it matters to me. A levels, that's what counts. prelims are just a damn stepping stone towards my target, nothing more. Makes me think thou, am I really gng UK? sigh. much apprehensive. I know for sure that I def can't leave some stuff and many ppl. Can I finally stretch my wings to fly out?
On a lighter note (or wetter, which ever way you choose), I'm having droool-fest with several guys these days.
1. Edison Chen (oooooh major hotttttie! infernal affairs II!!!!!)
2. Justin Timberlake (senorita..i feel for you..it feels like something's heating up, can i leave with you?)
3. xiaozhu! taiwanese host/actor. yummmy glorious prettiness and drooool factor packaged into one.
4. Shaun Chen (Holland V's Xiaoxin!) although it's rumoured he's lecherous and stuff...heee. but nvm, i like hahahahhaa.
keeps me going i tell you, in times like these.
church was quite long today but still nice. made some new friends hee. =)
wish me luck yea. head-on towards the damnable prelims in less than 10 hours. bleah.
do you have to be so blatant?
+ + +
conferencing!
[12:51 p.m.][Saturday, September 13, 2003]
Conference call was so goood last night! Haha. Can we do it again pleasee?
Called Nick on his hp then we chatted and laughed and had this convo that he recorded. It was like "grace who do you like?", "grace likes herself!", "nono grace likes mark!" and Nick used a falsetto and said "ooooh I like mark! his chest is so big! can carry me!" and a whole lot of other nonsense that left me in stitches. He kept trying to record parts of the convo so he can blackmail me hrrrmph cheap slut! haa.
Then we called Zhao and he was sleeping so he answered very groggily until I started screaming and he said "EH where are you all?!" hahaa. Everyone that we added after that thought the rest was at my house.
Called Jon next and it was super funny cos we kept insulting each other, like Jon said Zhao couldn't drown an ant(heeheheee) and Zhao saying I was -r.a. content- grosss la!
Then we called Dahui and everyone kept quiet until I started giggling then he went "EH how come grace is here?" and Nick said "Dahui how I'm at her house we just had sex!" hahahaaha and Jon suddenly piped up "CNB! I'm officer Ahmad I'm arresting you for taking weed!" Hahahhaha! After that we called him weed and Mr.Mari(juana) non stop lol.
Last person to be added was Mark cos Kev was sleeping alr. Then Nick played the stupid convo! And everyone laughed till they died! Mark said "Wah lao cannot sleep tonight already!"
HEY I DON'T LIKE MARK OKAY!!! NOT EVEN HIS CHEST!
After that we hung up in the order that we called, finally left me and Nick to chat for a lil' while longer before we succumbed to sleep. That was around 2am I think. hee. It was soooo fun! We all got high on laughing alone. =) 6 ppl on one call was darn cool mannn.
Do it again alrighty? must be late at night then fun hee.
yeaa. Sh's and KH's birthday is coming. oh nooo! How?!
My birthday is in a month!! Okay, a month and one day =). I want a mountain bike. Pleassssseee darls? (NICK in particular) heh.
hee cheap slut me.
tata, off to mug the never ending syllabus.
+ + +
run.
[11:29 p.m.][Friday, September 12, 2003]
drank vodka, ran to Kev's hse to visit that dear boy, then I ran to VJ, yes VJ. From there I ran back via Siglap connector (I walked home from school at 6+ thru there also) at around 10+.
I'm freaking tired.
Torturing myself.
What the hell for.
Cos I feel like a stinking rotting piece of junk.
Meeting unexpected pple today made me even more urg.
Along the run back I collapsed on a bench and started sobbing. Then I wiped away the tears and ran all the way back, singing so many songs.
Back home, to the comfort of more vodka.
+ + +
burp.
[09:16 p.m.][Thursday, September 11, 2003]
Vodka is so good.
So good that I finished more than half the bottle over this week without knowing.
Better stick to Vodka mudshakes instead of on the rocks.
Woozy now. Headachy and tummy hurts. What's physical chem? What's NIA? International Trade?
bleeeah. I think I'm going to feel worse after I get more sober.
+ + +
sleeplessness.
[10:53 p.m.][Wednesday, September 10, 2003]
sick. -sniffles-
thinking over a question someone asked. would I? I said maybe. But actually, I would. Definitely. All this damn pride and ego thing. Sigh.
can't finish the damn studying. uhhh screwed. I hate myself.
yeah I'm really revolted with myself. Can't believe I actually was like that. damnit. So want to erase everything away..like it never happened. But that would be running away isn't it. It takes something of that magnitude to teach me to respect myself.
But I still can't stop shaking in revulsion.
And I can't get to sleep.
Insomnia is here to stay. The past month I've grabbed at most 3,4 hours of sleep a night cos I keep tossing and turning. And I just can't sleep without waking up many times after horrible dreams in the middle of the night. It's draining.
During the day I get so tired I just catch forty winks everywhere, but I force myself awake so I can study. Like when I'm mugging in school I'll suddenly just fall smack on the table and drool for 15 minutes, then I'll wake up with this splitting headache. I just can't get a good night's sleep on my bed, and I'll end up reading Emily Dickinson instead to calm my nerves.
Urgh. I really miss you..wonder how you are? it's so painful to try not and care about you...but i still do.
+ + +
.
[12:16 a.m.][Tuesday, September 9, 2003]
some words are more than enough to make me hide in a corner, under a blanket, and cry.
am I forgotten?
+ + +
mugggging.
[08:59 p.m.][Monday, September 8, 2003]
fruitful studying today with hammie. got so much done I think I studied more than any other week combined. more mugging tmr. panicking.
my left eye looks like somebody punched me. ouch. paiiin... gotta wear specs tmr.
Need some love. care..concern. quick. damn painnnn. can I have a hug please?
Drifting away and a lack of friends now. How sad. I just have no life, no friends, no more energy to try and sustain my old life. It's just nothing but chem and econs and physics and maths plastered all over my room these days. I can't even be bothered to keep in contact with anyone unless I need someone to study with me.
what's wrong with me? Only dreams offer solace to me these days. At least I still have the night to look forward to. However, the wall next to my bed is now covered with organic chem.
what a throwback to reality.
+ + +
satisfied
[10:18 p.m.][Sunday, September 7, 2003]
I adore Sundays! =) Heee. It's the day I go to church then get to go out/study outside after that.
Woke up early all red eyed and such cos I lack sleep, but I deliberately took the 3rd bus to church since it'll be less awkward for him. hmm. At least he doesn't have to face me on the bus. I hate awkward silences since I'm such a chatty brat. takes me a whole lot of willpower to avoid him I tell you.
I'm darn good these days.
Church was fab heh. then lunch with Kenneth at Mos! =) Then I met Nick at Orchard, headed to Wisma CoffeeClubExpress to mug. Song joined us ltr and we did some shopping. Yayee I bought a brown 3/4 pocket-y pants with the elastic ends! Nice change from my jeans,denim minis,flairskirt wardrobe. Now it's rugged pants+tube!! Heee. Immensely pleased with myself. Envisioning myself the way I want to look. Hmmmmm. Not bad at all. Time to change image:feminine->funky. Where's my specs to complete the look? =)
Oh, and I didn't put any blusher la. My face is peeling so it's just redder. Looks nice Song? Heh I can't keep it peeling always right? Mom says I am darn tanned now. GOODgoood! heee happy mood today from all the praises.
Nicky pierced his ear! And so did Song today! Lol now I've pple to share earrings with me. Nick bought the perlini silver's diamond-lookalike triangular stud and I got the other half to wear on my topmost piercing. NICE. Toying with the idea of a naval piercing/tattoo on my ankle or lower back. But first, motivated to lose some damn weight, I look like a whale now.
yayeeeee. looking forward to after prelims, some night cycling + proper going out with NICE clothes.
though I've lost all incitement to study aggresively. Oh well. Must get much done by tonight, then some industrious mugging tmr.
Hmm I'm being very spiteful. It's a subconcious thing, being whimsical and flippant and all. Shan't be mean at all now.
damnit..I want my storybooks so i can bury myself in well-spun tales of suspense, deceit, fantasy, supernatural happenings and sweet love.
points to right -> please? hee.
or you can always buy me the nice roxy skirt from Paragon's Quiksilver. lol.
+ + +
hmm.
[09:43 p.m.][Saturday, September 6, 2003]
I fell in love the moment I set eyes on you. You were made for me, you fit me so perfectly. Together we were stunning. But yet...I'm sorry I can't be with you...
You are...my one and only...fuschia metal framed specs!!!!!
HAHAHAAA. I'm going to get those specs next week, but it's gonna set me back $200+. Crap. But it's worth it. They make me look goooood man. Hrmph. Mom is being petty cos I didn't buy her a "you buy your friend a $100 present but you no time to buy for me a present?" present. I already bought her a uhmm, pomelo that she wanted to eat. Haaa. But she's so petty she says she's not buying me my bicycle and my specs and everything else!!!!
GAAAAAAAAH! NOOOOO! I already told Daddy to get you nice funky specs and you ALREADY ordered them, there's your present!
Roland's was yummy. =) Now I have Vodka mudshake and lots more alcohol next to me. -devious grin-
Before that I had a very awkward 2 hours spent. Pirates of the caribbean was cancelled because of 1)deaf taxi driver, 2)time constraints. So we walked around Orchard and Tanglin, ended up at Tanglin Mall's Mac. Chatted a bit but obviously not as carefree as before. I had to leave so we took 36 to parkway. Actually I knew what I was doing, and he pointed out I was sitting in an extremely defensive way, crossing my arms with my bag in between, and facing away from him since he was sitting so near.
what else do you expect me to do? He almost hugged me but I backed away and throughout the entire thing I was displaying nonchalance peppered with so much sarcasm that it was obvious how I felt. Anyway. It was good, in the sense that I now know I've completely gotten over him and that I made the right choice back then. And I made it clear nothing else would be possible after this.
That's a big load off my chest. -whew-
=) should have done this earlier.
I'm so sick of studying. Sigggggh. Makes me feel like knocking my head endlessly against the wall and tearing up all the damn notes.
grrr. Okaaay. Watch the Caltex advert, the one with the little boy and girl! It was sooooooo cute! I'm soooooo bimbotic!
ahhhhhha.
+ + +
laalaa.
[01:41 p.m.][Saturday, September 6, 2003]
Study camp was fab! =) We did SOOO much work. I think much more than what I accomplish in a week. Haaa. Kanghao crawled out of my house at 6 to go back home to sleep, and Hammieee left at 9+..I slept at 6+ till elevenish...that makes it less than 5 hours but I'm awake and raring to go =)
Do it again this week! Heeee.
hmmm. everyone's life is so complicated. I shan't butt in nor intrude since it's too confusing and overwhelming my puny brain. Just know what you are all doing alright ;)
Scandalous stuff today. No worries. Grace is a smart girl. Anything else and I'll make sure you'll regret this. Hahaa. I think I'm doing it in a fit of pique, to spite you and also make you understand.
Pirates of the Caribbean for now. Then dinner at Rolands -yuuuuum-
+ + +
design
[07:58 p.m.][Friday, September 5, 2003]
phys design was alright for me. i hope. don't have too high expectations.
went to meet Wei after that and we studied at Mos Burger for a while, then walked around parkway. Met Fangy for lunch, and we had Sakae Sushi. Thanks dearrrr for treating me, I feel like a cheapo. Haa. It was hilarious cos she kept playing with the computer since the 5 NOISY secondary school girls behind us didn't have one. I stuffed myself full, even though the variety was really limited. But had a goood time neverthelesssss. Take care dear when you go overseas...I'm going to misss you!! Oh noooooo.
Came home at 4+ and took a nap. Study camp tonight. Hope we'll get lotsa things done. Looking forward to after exams. Saw my ahhhhh starbucks hottie on the bus haha. =) The one who gave me a free frap and says hi!!!! Heeeeeeee.
Bathing time. Don't gettt pissssed Grace. Control. Hammie's here!!
Mugggggggging time.
+ + +
yuxxxx
[10:44 p.m.][Thursday, September 4, 2003]
oops I made my sister cry. Go ahead. admonish me. castigate me for my foolishness since it also means she's screaming at me and I can't study for my physics paper tmr.
don't be a bitch girl. I'm just returning your shit back to you. you think I care whether Daddy whacks me? dear girl, you think I bother whether you want to see me in this house? To both, no I don't give a crap.
I said it. And I mean what I said. So I won't take it back no matter whether you slap me or not.
I'm a full-fledged bitch working 24/7. Haah.
Physics prac apparently caused everyone to be in this foul, stinking, terrible, wretched (oooops I'm stopping) mood. At least I finished it, but my values were rather, umm inaccurate. Sheesh, hope that everything goes fine for everyone else.
After the paper 6 of us (jon,nick,zhao,mark,kev,I) headed to Swensons for a smacking good time. =) BINGE fest! We had the icecream buffet and yuck, boy did Zhao stuff himself.
I held the menu up at several different stages (not cos I wanted to order, silly) but cos Zhao almost trajectorised the damn icecream, he looked so pukish we were horrified and huddled against each other. Hahaa! But I played the stupid hei1 bai2 pei4 game with Jon, incompetent me kept losing, and damn! The forfeit was this melted,mixed up icecream with lumpy stuff inside. I lost MOST of the time, so poor me, I almost puked alright. It was SOOO gross. Never eat yummyraisin and blueberry and thin mint and everything else melted together.
eeeeyuck. the memory of it makes me sick. but we did had so much fun laughing I think we almost brought the house down with all that laughter.
Nice one guys =)
Aft tt Nick bought a tub of thinmint and we headed to Ibis' hse for a surprise:) Nice one Nick!! It was quite funny trudging down to her house from parkway and then giving her icecream (HOW UNEXPECTED huh babe), then I doodled all over her notes (give me my fantasy puhhleasse) and I was extra alright. Shoooot me the next time.
I knew you both were conspiring to get rid of me. Hrmph. Ingrates.
Just give me my fantasy (whipped cream wheeeeee) then I'll leave of my own accord the next time. :) Hahaa.
Tmr's phys design, break a leg!
Lunch date with fang! Can't wait =)
I know I posted it before but the lyrics are so parallel.
know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free (so they say)
But it sure is hard to do
Yeah, it sure is hard to do
And I know they say if they don't come back again
Then it's meant to be (so they say)
But those words ain't pulling me through
Cos I'm still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me going through the mill (climbin' up a hill)
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard I try
You're gonna make me cry
Come on, baby, it's over, let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye
Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance (just one more chance)
and I know without a doubt
I turned it inside out
And if we walked away
would make more sense (only self defense)
But it tears me up inside
Just to think we still could try
How long must we keep riding on a carousel
Going round and round and never getting anywhere?
(on a wing and prayer)
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GP
[07:47 p.m.][Wednesday, September 3, 2003]
GP paper was distressing, disastrous, awful, unbearable, horrible, and screwed up at best. Compo was okay, I did the one on women, but Compre was the real killer. I fell asleep for 20 minutes, no less due to my sudden onset of fatigue and my snug warmness in a 18degC room midway through the paper. Awoke and found out, to my dismay, everyone was doing the damn summary and I was at, uhmm, question 4. =(
My hands moved in a frenzy after that, and my handwriting is probably going to give the GP teacher marking my paper a damn eyesore. Also means I didn't put in my best for this paper. Thanks to my incessant tossing and turning in bed last night. Somehow couldn't get to sleep, but definitely wasn't thinking about GP. Just had random scenes of my life flash through my mind, unrelenting in intensity and sharp pangs of sentiments plaguing me for 2 hours before I drifted off at 2am.
After the paper Kev, Nick, Mark and I had lunch at PP. Nick if you accidentally touch my ass again, you betterrrr say it's FIRM alrighttt. If not I'm gng to smack you. Hahaaaa. See la you all always swing your hands the wrong way. The last time you elbowed me was worse la. And JON! you too! hrrrmph.
I don't know why I come online even when obviously everytime I do I get immensely irked/ offended/ embittered/ exasperated/ piqued/ narcoleptic/ everything else. haaah it seems like my annoying habit of synoyms hasn't ended from yesterday. So irritating. I get extremely pissed off online.
Gd luck to allll taking physprac tmr. Piece of cake. =) effortless. no sweat. child's play. elementary. Yeah right. Haaa I better stop my synonym shit.
teeveeeteeeveeeeeeeeeeee!
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delirious.
[08:54 p.m.][Tuesday, September 2, 2003]
I thought I was a bloody hypocrite until I heard about my sister's school life, and immediately my own life in juxtaposition seemed so similar, albeit with the complications.
hah. how complex can life get, redolent of hypocrisy and insecurity. the shock of our nascent anxieties, coupled with everything else is a formula for self-imposed disaster.
by the way, I absolutely abhor, loathe, abominate, repudiate, revile, recoil from, hate, am sickened by, detest, despise, scorn (insert any other plausible synonyms) someone who reneged on his/her promise.
never, I repeat, never incur the wrath of a woman. hell hath no fury for a woman scorned.
in the meanwhile I'm having great fun coming up with synonyms for everything, in anticipation of my GP paper tmr. It's too damned important for me to screw it up again. I need to passssssssss. Just this once. please.
today was such a wasted day, my indulgence in procrastination would have the most mugger of muggers shake their heads in disgust and look upon me with a look full of disgust and probably awe, for which brave fool would knowingly indulge in the forbidden fruit (in this case, SLACKING) when the modus operandi should be to STUDY 24/7, every minute every second, seeing that the prelims looms so ominously ahead (IN THIS CASE IT'S TMR).
Okay, time to read some GP stuff, welcome back to the real world.
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.
[11:21 p.m.][Monday, September 1, 2003]
A sudden surge of emotions
When I realise there's noone I can call anytime, at unearthly hours and know they'll be more than willing to be there;
when I realise I'm so alone when I scroll through my phone book and I see no one I really know;
when I am looking for someone to provide company and nobody is around;
when I don't want to be alone anymore but there's no one I want or rather can share my life with;
when there's just no more strength to go on..
studying plus everything else always is a bad thing. is it? nevertheless thanks my loved ones for bearing with me these days.
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looong entry
[10:38 p.m.][Monday, September 1, 2003]
Went to study with congg today at MP starbucks. As expected we ran into countless ppl, like Weiquan, Wenbing, Trina, and other VJ/TJ ppl. =) had lotsa crap btw us both, and good time was spent catching up with my old friend!
hee. Hmm he was saying (obviously poking fun at this person who's a #$%^$ and present) "Hi, I'm Victoria, I'm from Victoria Junior College!
then, he said "I can't imagine calling myself Temasek." hahahahaa.
And we started saying "Hi, I'm knighted, you can call me Sir Angoon and I'm from Serangoon Junior College" (HAHAH) and "Hi I'm Yi shun.." (oh nooo I realised Galvin is called Yishun haa) and "Hi I'm Nany Ang! I was from Nanyang Pri, Nanyang Girls, Nanyang JC and NTU!"
Sounds incredibly stupid now but we were laughing our asses off at that point in time.
WQ said I looked thinner from before..hmmm. I still remember the time WQ said I had so much ahem experience when I broke up he booked me first. Haa. My pool teacher taught me good skills! =)
We did some mugging till seven-ish then headed home to appease my rumbling stomach. Met KH on 55, and yayy we just confirmed our night cycling plans after prelims. Nick baby you coming? I promise we'll stop by at Seraya Road hahahaha. =)
Count my smiley faces today! I'm freaked out by my apparent happiness. Weird isn't it, but this sudden influx of emotions is ..not good.
I'm suddenly jealous of some people..well, envious maybe. And I have this love-hate relationship with more than just one person. It's so scary, I feel like Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. I swear I'm schizo.
Had new revelations over the weekend, I am enlightened. Oddly, it gave me a weird sense of comfort and affirmation..about something so long ago.
Control control. I'm suddenly numbed.
Smallville to the rescue.
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